This question is only about copies of the spear that's kept in Vienna, not the Roman one or any other that are connected with "original" Holy Lance. I'm making this research for the story I'm in the middle of writing
I'll answer this question with what I've found out during my research up to this time, but first I'll wait for other responses (according to what I've understood from different meta topics, that's the way I should do, but maybe I'm wrong, I've got no experience with this site).
In 1000, Holy Roman Emperor Otto III and duke of Poland, Boleslaw I Chrobry, met at the Congress of Gniezno, which was the first capitol of Poland. During the meeting, Otto III gave Polish prince the copy of Holy Lance, which (so called "original one", even if it's from 8th century) is recently kept in Vienna, as a part of Imperial Regalia. It was one of symbols of his acceptance for creation of Kingdom of Poland, which was part of Otto's idea for expanding Empire's influence in Eastern Europe, through allies with Poland and Hungary. While the wooden staff didn't survive the millenium, it's spearhead is still kept at Krakow's Wawel Castle.
Unfortunately the reliquary with a fragment of nail (from Jesus' cross, according to legends) was stolen (with much more of Polish crown treasure) by king John Casimir II from Swedish dynasty of Vasa, when he decided to leave Polish throne. He took it to Paris, where he became an abbot of Abbey of Saint-Germain-des-Prés. The relic finally vanished when the chapel was robbed during French Revolution, in 1793.
I know the story of Polish one well, the same with the one in Vienna and found some good Hungarian language sources on the St. Stephen's spear, at least until the 17th century. But there were few other copies and I would be very happy to receive any additional informations about them. To who they were gifted, by which of Holy Roman Empire rulers and what was the reason? What happened to them later?
Especially any informations about spear gifted to Gerard of Lorraine (I believe that's the "Gerhard of Alsace" mentioned in Polish sources).
Here's what I've collected from various sources up to this time:
Hungarian Holy Lance
Historians agree that one of them belonged to Saint Stephen, first king of Hungary. Otto III took a crown for Stephen I to Gniezno and it was sent from there to Hungary, but no sources I could find clarify if the spear came to Hungary the same way. This "Polish route" is mentioned by French monk Adémar de Chabannes in his chronicles, but their text is unavailable for me. I've read also that there's possibility it could be inherited by Stephen after his father, Grand Duke Géza.
Here's a page from Gospels of Otto III showing Boleslaw and Stephen standing around the emperor, with crowns and both spears.
It also appears at the coronation mantle of Stephen I, which is kept in Budapest's National Museum, and at coins from Stephen's times, which have been found in 1968, the revers of which depicts them with words "Lancea Regis". But even if historians agree with each other that the spear existed, nothing of what I've found is sure.
During the fights between next rulers of Hungary, Peter Orsoelo and Samuel Aba, both of who were relatives of Stephen, Peter overtook a spear of unknown origin from Samuel and gifted it to Holy Roman Emperor Henry III in return for help. Henry III sent it to Rome as a symbol of victory. According to chronicles of Archbishop of Milan, Arnulf III, it was placed in St. Peter's Basilica, at least until 1693, when it's been mentioned as being placed under guards at Porta Guidonea (one of the church's gates). Unfortunately I was unable to find any later signs of its existence. Maybe some of you may help here.
Bohemian Holy Lance
According to the most unreliable sources, copy of the spear was gifted to Bretislaus II, but I believe it's just misunderstanding in Polish sources and it's the same one that was owned by his father, Vratislaus II. I'd be glad if anybody can put any light on that matter. The lance of Vratislaus II came from Rudolf von Rheinfelden (what's somehow confirmed in the following document), for whom I suppose it was constructed in order to prove his rights to Holy Roman Empire throne. But I'd love to know how Vratislaus II got into its posession.
But another lance appears much earlier. The following illustration for Gumpold's Legend, coming from the beginning of 11th century, shows the winged spear - the same type as Polish and Hungarian one, held by St. Venceslaus. While it's possible that it's just an addition of illustrator, who surely knew how the original one looks like, the winged spear is also at the reverse of XIth century coins (dated before Vratislaus II).
What's important, Vratislaus II soon placed his lance in the church of St. Venceslaus, what could the existence of the St. Venceslaus' spear in later sources, but in any way it cannot deny the existence of earlier ones (illustration and coins). So it's unknown if that's the same spear, two different ones, or the earlier one never existed. Unfortunately, once again I couldn't find anything about it's later history, except for the fact that it's gone now.
The Holy Lance (also known as the Spear of Destiny, Holy Spear, Lance of Longinus, Spear of Longinus or Spear of Christ) is the name given to the lance that pierced Jesus's side as he hung on the cross in John's account of the Crucifixion.
THE MYSTERIOUS ANCIENT SPEARHEAD
Everyone knows that Jesus was pierced in the side with
a Spear of some sort. It is usually assumed that it was
just an ordinary Roman soldier's spear that just happened
to be available at the time. Later, it passes into many
hands, arriving--supposedly--into Hitler's possession at
the start of the Second World War. Near the end of that
war, the story goes, General Patton discovers the Spear in
a bunker under Nuremberg, realizes what it is, and at that
very moment, Hitler commits suicide and the U.S. succeeds
Germany as the new World Power. because it now holds the
Well, not so fast. That Spear--seen above--has been
kept in Vienna, Austria, where Hitler obtained it back in
1938, since shortly after the War. Is Austria now a World
Power? It used to be--before the First World War, but no
longer. But, of course, some people insist that Austria's
Hapsburg family secretly runs the world from behind their
gilded walls in Vienna.
Maybe. But not very effectively. The fact is, this may
not be the true Spear. It could be one of several copies
made at various times throughout the centuries. The real
Spear--if the legend of it always being in the possession
of the current ruling World Power were true--ought to be
in the United States, for the U.S. has emerged as the very
greatest World Power in modern history. And what about
Judea? The Spear was in Jerusalem for centuries and it
does not appear to have made the Jewish people dominant
in the ancient world. In fact, they were overrun by just
about every one of their neighbors. Come to think of it,
Nazi Germany was also conquered when it had the Spear. So
was Austria in 1938 and again when the Spear was returned
after the war. It may be that having this Spear is a way
to get your nation conquered by its neighbors.
So is it possible the Spear has a different function
than this notion of designating the current World Power?
Is there a deeper, darker secret behind the Spear?
Just where did it really come from?
The Bible mentions several mysterious spears. One is
hurled at David by King Saul. Another is carried by the
giant Goliath and taken by David. Another is used later
to kill Zachariah between the Altar and the Holy Place.
And what about those prophecies about beating spears
". and they will hammer their swords into plowshares
and their spears into pruninghooks. " [Isaiah 2:4]
". and they shall beat their swords into plowshares
and their spears into pruninghooks. " [Micah 4:3]
Apparently a spear and a pruninghook were so similar a
pruninghook could also be turned back into a spear again:
"Beat your plows into swords and your pruninghooks
into spears: Let the weak say, 'I am strong.'"
Just what is a pruninghook?
A pruninghook was a spear-like pole with a sharpened
blade on the end used to slice off dead branches. Later
blades were curved and sharp on the inner curve only to
make them spears, the outer curve was straightened and
sharpened as well.
But originally, a pruninghook was probably formed as
a v-shaped or fork-ended device to break off branches or
to remove fruit easily from a tree in an orchard or a
garden. The end might have looked a bit like the Spear
shown at the top of this page--except without the point
added to it.
Why does the Bible keep drawing our attention to the
idea that someone might want to convert a fruit-tree tool
used in a garden into a pointed device--a Spear--that one
could use to kill a man?
Genesis tells us that Adam was placed in the Garden of
Eden to "dress it and to keep it" [Gen 2:15]. How could
Adam do this if he could not reach the fruit or the limbs
on the upper parts of the trees? Obviously he had to make
a tool: The first pruning fork.
But then Adam got "fired" as a tree-pruner and had to
take up a new occupation: A "tiller" of the soil.
There he was with this long pole and its forked end,
when what he really needed was a long pole with a sharp
pointed end to till the soil with and poke holes in the
ground for planting seeds. It is quite likely he simply
added a point to the end of his pruning fork to make it
into a spear-like tool for tilling the soil.
And when Cain grew up and came of age, Adam gave him
the Tiller, for Genesis says Cain became "a tiller of the
ground" like Adam [Gen 4:2]. The text does not indicate
that Adam was sharing this task with Cain or that there
were now two tillers. Adam had tilled the soil for some
13 years or more by this time he was probably delighted
to hand this job over to someone younger who could labor
"by the sweat of his brow" in Adam's place.
Abel seemed to have a more leisurely occupation. Abel
could sit under a cool tree and "watch" his sheep all day
while Cain sweated in the heat of the sun. Maybe Adam's
decision to hand the Tiller over to Cain was a vengeful
act. If Adam thought Cain was not his own son, because
he was not in Adam's image and likeness as Seth would be
[Gen 5:3], then Adam might have wanted to "punish" Cain
by forcing him to do the hard labor of tilling the soil.
Perhaps Cain resented his hard life and sensed Adam's
rejection. When God also rejected his offering, Cain may
have considered the Tiller the instrument of his torment.
Abel was the more beloved son and the beneficiary of his
labors, because Abel ate the food Cain produced. Abel's
offering was accepted by God. Cain grew to hate Abel.
One day, out in the field where Cain was planting the
new crop (having just offered up some of the grain of his
harvest), Cain rose up from his back-breaking work to see
Abel before him. Cain then used the Tiller to kill Abel,
turning it effectively into a Spear.
So what had begun as a pruning fork was now a Spear.
And what had once been the symbol of Adam's status in
the Graden of Eden--when he had shared dominion over the
earth with Eve--had become the symbol of Cain's rebellion
and of his triumph over his supposed enemies.
Stained with the grapes of Eden, the sweat of Adam and
Cain, and perhaps with the blood from Abel's sacrificial
lamb and Abel's own blood, the Spear had been transformed
into a sacred relic and a talisman of Royal Power.
Look again at the so-called "Spear" at the top of this
page. Would any sane man carry this "weapon" into battle?
Note how flimsy it is, compared to a real spear. This is
hardly the sturdiest blade a smith could make. A little
"sleeve" joined the two parts together in order to hold
the point on the forked end. Would any warrior want such
a crude weapon in his hands, staking his life on it not
breaking? Note that it is in fact broken, if it was not
originally made as two parts.
Again, recall that many copies were made of the 'true'
Spear. We do not know if this is the real Spear, a copy,
or even an accurate copy. We cannot be sure the Spear was
made of the same materials (which in this case include the
use of silver and gold).
But if this spear bears any likeness to the original,
then the forked end, strange construction, and the rather
un-military "look" of the device might be reflections of
the genuine Spear. These would not be qualities one would
add to the design of a copy.
There is no point at the moment in debatng whether or
not this is the genuine Spear. What we do know is that
it was at the very least intended to have been a copy of
the true Spear. Historical tradition of this Spear was
quite clear on that point. Therefore, its design surely
was based upon an earlier, and likely more genuine, relic.
How could the Tiller of Cain have ended up piercing
the side of Christ?
Jesus gave a major clue about just exactly where this
Spear might have been during the interim:
". behold, I send unto you prophets, and wise men,
and scribes and (some) of them you shall kill and
crucify. that upon you may come all the righteous
blood shed upon the earth, from the blood of the
righteous Abel unto the blood of Zachariah, the son
of Barachias, WHOM YOU SLEW BETWEEN THE TEMPLE AND
THE ALTAR. All these things shall come upon this
generation." [Mt 23:34-36]
Only priests and their fellow Levites were allowed in
this space, and then only during the performance of their
ofiicial duties. The only weapon known to have been left
in this precise location was the ritual Spear that served
as the symbol of authority of the Captain of the Temple,
who was second only to the High Priest himself.
Could it be that Jesus was indicating that the very
Spear used to kill Abel was kept between the Temple and
the Altar? Was this Spear considered so sacred that it
was used only for special occasions?
Indeed, there was an offically-required act that this
specific Spear had to be used for. It involved members
of the family of Jesus, as was prophesied, carrying out a
ritual under the Law of Moses.
How did Cain's Spear get into the Temple? What role
did Jeremiah play in restoring it? If this was the Temple
Spear, was it used to kill Jesus? How did it leave Judea?
Where has it been since the Crucifixion? And what has the
Spear to do with the End Times? Can it help identify the
There are a myriad of questions swirling about this old
relic, which has witnessed the whole pageant of our human
Relics claimed to be the Holy Lance
There have been three, or four, major relics that are claimed to be the Holy Lance, or parts of it.
No actual lance is known until the pilgrim Antoninus of Piacenza (AD 570), describing the holy places of Jerusalem, says that he saw in the Basilica of Mount Zion "the crown of thorns with which Our Lord was crowned and the lance with which He was struck in the side". A mention of the lance also occurs in the so-called Breviarius at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. The presence in Jerusalem of the relic is attested by Cassiodorus (c. 485 - c. 585) as well as by Gregory of Tours (c. 538 – 594), who had not actually been to Jerusalem.
Holy Lance of Rome
In 615 Jerusalem and its relics were captured by the Persian forces of King Khosrau II (Chosroes II). According to the Chronicon Paschale, the point of the lance, which had been broken off, was given in the same year to Nicetas, who took it to Constantinople and deposited it in the church of Hagia Sophia, and later to the Church of the Virgin of the Pharos. This point of the lance, which was now set in an icon, was acquired by the Latin Emperor, Baldwin II of Constantinople, who later sold it to Louis IX of France. The point of the lance was then enshrined with the Crown of Thorns in the Sainte Chapelle in Paris. During the French Revolution these relics were removed to the Bibliothèque Nationale but subsequently disappeared. (The present "Crown of Thorns" is a wreath of rushes.)
As for the larger portion of the lance, Arculpus claimed he saw it at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre around 670 in Jerusalem, but there is otherwise no mention of it after the sack in 615. Some claim that the larger relic had been conveyed to Constantinople in the 8th century, possibly at the same time as the Crown of Thorns. At any rate, its presence at Constantinople seems to be clearly attested by various pilgrims, particularly Russians, and, though it was deposited in various churches in succession, it seems possible to trace it and distinguish it from the relic of the point. Sir John Mandeville declared in 1357 that he had seen the blade of the Holy Lance both at Paris and at Constantinople, and that the latter was a much larger relic than the former it is worth adding that Mandeville is not generally regarded as one of the Middle Ages' most reliable witnesses, and his supposed travels are usually treated as an eclectic amalgam of myths, legends and other fictions. "The lance which pierced Our Lord's side" was among the relics at Constantinople shown in the 1430s to Pedro Tafur, who added "God grant that in the overthrow of the Greeks they have not fallen into the hands of the enemies of the Faith, for they will have been ill-treated and handled with little reverence."
Whatever the Constantinople relic was, it did fall into the hands of the Turks, and in 1492, under circumstances minutely described in Pastor's History of the Popes, the Sultan Bayazid II sent it to Innocent VIII to encourage the pope to continue to keep his brother and rival Zizim (Cem) prisoner. At this time great doubts as to its authenticity were felt at Rome, as Johann Burchard records, because of the presence of other rival lances in Paris (the point that had been separated from the lance), Nuremberg (see "Vienna lance" below), and Armenia (see "Echmiadzin lance" below). In the mid-18th century Benedict XIV states that he obtained from Paris an exact drawing of the point of the lance, and that in comparing it with the larger relic in St. Peter's he was satisfied that the two had originally formed one blade. This relic has never since left Rome, where it is preserved under the dome of Saint Peter's Basilica, although the Church makes no claim as to its authenticity.
A Holy Lance (in Armenian Geghard) is now conserved in Ejmiadzin, the religious capital of Armenia. The first source that mentions it is a text "Holy Relics of Our Lord Jesus Christ", in a thirteenth century Armenian manuscript. According to this text, the spear which pierced Jesus was to have been brought to Armenia by the apostle Thaddeus. The manuscript does not specify precisely where it is kept, but the Holy Lance gives a description that exactly matches the lance, the monastery gate, since the thirteenth century precisely, the name of Geghardavank (Monastery of the Holy Lance).
In 1655 the French traveler Jean-Baptiste Tavernier was the first Westerner to see this relic in Armenia. In 1805, the Russians took the monastery and the relic was moved to Tchitchanov Geghard Tbilisi (Georgia). It was later returned to Armenia at Ejmiadzin, where it is always visible to the museum Manougian, enshrined in a reliquary of the seventeenth century.
This Ejmiadzin Lance has never been a weapon. Rather, it is the point of a sigillum, perhaps Byzantine, with a diamond-shaped iron openwork Greek cross. Is this the Holy Lance of Antioch discovered by Pierre Barthelemy? That is a certain assumption: the relic of the Crusaders lost chronicles a century before the Geghard appears in Armenian sources.
A Holy Lance (in Armenian Geghard) is now conserved in Ejmiadzin, the religious capital of Armenia. The first source that mentions it is a text "Holy Relics of Our Lord Jesus Christ", in a thirteenth century Armenian manuscript. According to this text, the spear which pierced Jesus was to have been brought to Armenia by the apostle Thaddeus. The manuscript does not specify precisely where it is kept, but the Holy Lance gives a description that exactly matches the lance, the monastery gate, since the thirteenth century precisely, the name of Geghardavank (Monastery of the Holy Lance).
In 1655 the French traveler Jean-Baptiste Tavernier was the first Westerner to see this relic in Armenia. In 1805, the Russians took the monastery and the relic was moved to Tchitchanov Geghard Tbilisi (Georgia). It was later returned to Armenia at Ejmiadzin, where it is always visible to the museum Manougian, enshrined in a reliquary of the seventeenth century.
Vienna Lance (Hofburg spear)
The Holy Roman Emperors had a lance of their own, attested from the time of Otto I (912-973). In 1000 Otto III gave Boleslaw I of Poland a replica of the Lance at the Congress of Gniezno. In 1084 Henry IV had a silver band with the inscription "Nail of Our Lord" added to it. This was based on the belief that this was the lance of Constantine the Great which enshrined a nail used for the Crucifixion. In 1273 it was first used in the coronation ceremony. Around 1350 Charles IV had a golden sleeve put over the silver one, inscribed "Lancea et clavus Domini" (Lance and nail of the Lord). In 1424 Sigismund had a collection of relics, including the lance, moved from his capital in Prague to his birth place, Nuremberg, and decreed them to be kept there forever. This collection was called the Reichskleinodien or Imperial Regalia.
When the French Revolutionary army approached Nuremberg in the spring of 1796 the city councilors decided to remove the Reichskleinodien to Vienna for safe keeping. The collection was entrusted to one "Baron von Hügel", who promised to return the objects as soon as peace had been restored and the safety of the collection assured. However, the Holy Roman Empire was disbanded in 1806 and the Reichskleinodien remained in the keeping of the Habsburgs. When the city councilors asked for the Reichskleinodien back, they were refused. As part of the imperial regalia it was kept in the Imperial Treasury Schatzkammer (Vienna) and was known as the lance of Saint Maurice.
During the Anschluss, when Austria was annexed to Germany, the Reichskleinodien were returned to Nuremberg and afterwards hidden. They were found by invading U.S. troops and returned to Austria by American General George S. Patton after World War II.
Dr. Robert Feather, an English metallurgist and technical engineering writer, tested the lance for a documentary in January 2003. He was given unprecedented permission not only to examine the lance in a laboratory environment, but was also allowed to remove the delicate bands of gold and silver that hold it together. In the opinion of Feather and other academic experts, the likeliest date of the spearhead is the 7th century A.D. - only slightly earlier than the Museum's own estimate. However, Dr. Feather also stated in the same documentary that an iron pin - long claimed to be a nail from the crucifixion, hammered into the blade and set off by tiny brass crosses - is "consistent" in length and shape with a 1st century A.D. Roman nail. According to Paul the Deacon, the Lombard royal line bore the name of the Gungingi, which Karl Hauck and Stefano Gasparri maintain identified them with the name of Odin’s lance, Gungnir (a sign that they probably claimed descent from Odin, as did most of the Germanic royal lines) Paul the Deacon also notes that the inauguration rite of a Lombard king consisted essentially of his grasping of a sacred/royal lance. Milan, which had been the capital of the Western Roman Empire in the time of Constantine, was also the capital of the Lombard kings Perctarit and his son Cunipert, who became Catholic Christians in the 7th century. Thus it seems possible that the iron point of the Lombardic royal lance might have been recast in the 7th century in order to enshrine one of the 1st century Roman nails that St. Helena was reputed to have found at Calvary and brought to Milan, thus giving a new Christian sacred aura to the old pagan royal lance. If Charlemagne’s inauguration as the King of the Lombards in 774 had likewise included his grasping of this now-Christianized sacred or royal lance, this would explain how it would have eventually become the oldest item in the German imperial regalia. We might also note that the Iron Crown of Lombardy (dated to the 8th century), which eventually became the primary symbol of Lombardic kingship, takes its name from the tradition that it also contains one of the holy nails. Alternately, since Gregory of Tours in his Libri Historiarum VII, 33, states that in 585 the Merovingian king Guntram designated his nephew Childebert II his heir by handing him his lance, it is possible that a royal lance was also a symbol of kingship among the Merovingian kings and that a nail from Calvary was in the 7th century incorporated into this royal lance and thus eventually would have come into the German imperial regalia.
Hitler and The Spear of Destiny
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Both Guernica and the 1934 drawing conceal references to a mystical battle between Picasso and Hitler in connection with the Spear of Destiny. This hidden pictorial narrative, set in the context of Wagner's opera Parsifal, reveals some uncanny associations with events in Hitler's life and with his quest to dominate Europe.
According to the account of Dr Walter Stein, the young Hitler whilst living as a down and out in Vienna undertook a penetrating study of the Occult meanings underlying Wolfram Von Eschenbach's Thirteenth Century Grail Romance, 'Parsival'. Stein through various contacts with Hitler became convinced that he was deeply involved with the Occult and had an experienced spiritual mentor, possibly linked to the infamous 'Blood Lodge of Guido Von Liszt.
Hitler later claimed in Mein Kampf, that these had been the most vital years of his life in which he learned all he needed to know to lead the Nazi Party.
Stein got to know Hitler because of their mutual interest in the Spear of Destiny - a relic on display in the Hapsburg's treasury at the Hofmuseum in Vienna.
The relic was said to have phenomenal talismanic power having once been used at the Crucifixion to wound the side of Christ. According to legend, possession of the Spear would bring its owner the power to conquer the world, but losing it would bring immediate death. The relic had been owned by a succession of powerful European rulers down through the centuries and eventually came to be in the possession of the Hapsberg Dynasty.
Hitler confided to Stein that the first time he saw the Spear he had witnessed extraordinary visions of his own destiny unfolding before him.
In 1923, on his deathbed, Hitler's mentor Dietrich Eckart, a dedicated Satanist and central figure in the Occult Thule Society and a founder member of the Nazi party, said:
'Follow Hitler ! He will dance, but it is I who have called the tune !'
'I have initiated him into the 'Secret Doctrine', opened his centres in vision and given him the means to communicate with the Powers.'
'Do not mourn for me: I shall have influenced history more than any other German.'
On 12th March 1938, the day Hitler annexed Austria, he arrived in Vienna a conquering hero. He first port of call was to the Hofmuseum where he took possession of the Spear which he immediately sent to Nuremberg, the spiritual capital of Nazi Germany.
At 2.10 on 30th April, 1945, during the final days of the war, after considerable bombing of Nuremberg, the Spear fell into the hands of the American 7th Army under General Patton. Later that day, in fulfilment of the legend, Hitler committed suicide.
Further Reading: The Spear of Destiny, by Trevor Ravenscroft, Published by Neville Spearman, London, 1974.
My Year In Review
So, it’s going on what? Holy crap, four years. It flies, does time, regardless of having fun or not.
I am going to title 2009 (for myself) as the Year Of Living Lazily.
I was laid off in February, and have been surviving off a small inheritance. I thought to myself, hey, learn Chinese, write more, go out and be more social, but all those hard intense training sessions of Tai Chi have made me – more laconic. I was warned about this, so no complaints.
I have now been a non-smoker since October of 2008, so it’s about 14 months since I’ve smoked a cigarette. Mind you it’s not since I’ve touched a cigarette, but put it in my mouth and smoked one. There’s been moments where I scrounged a butt outta an ashtray (hey, addiction’s addiction. I maintain Cocaine is the only drug that makes people eat their boogers), looked at the thing, and tossed it. I tried to bum one, but a real friend who smokes said, “You’ve gotten this far – why waste it?” I even broke down and almost bought a pack 4-5 months in – the cashier plopped it down, I looked at it, announced “I quit!” and left. I am, however, popping Commit lozenges, but I can now go to sleep without listening to the phlegm rattle about in my lungs. On the down side, I picked up some weight which I still haven’t gotten rid of.
I hit a lot of tournaments in the spring and summer months, and I’m now up to 31 medals, and 9 plaques (the medals are rotting away in a drawer somewhere). It’s a nice feeling to know that I have a few gold medals (and some silver and bronze as well) in my martial art of choice.
Chances are strong that I’m going to get another shot at a position that I didn’t get in 2006. Therein lies a tale:
In 2006, I was hired by a job placement agency to work at a big telephone company (I’m not naming names, don’t ask) as a technical support person. So I went in for two weeks of training. Little was I to know, that this would be the equivalent of a boot camp and a shining example of social Darwinism. Swim or drown, baby. They pounded info into a group of about a hundred people, and then we had to take tests – and no squeakers (or mulligans) allowed. I’ve always been a squeaker – I do well in classroom environments, but tests, they ain’t my thing. So I scored around 65-70%, they said sorry. The agency then sent me to work for the Registrar of Voters for the 2006 election. I did okay, they made me Precinct Director in Berkeley (which consisted of me visiting polls, and staring stupidly when asked questions). After that, they shipped me off to Long’s Drugs to tie Xmas trees to people’s cars in the pouring rain and refuse tips. Seriously. Long’s management has this thing where you don’t take money people throw at you. Three days, and I had to beg off. It was too wet, and it was definitely a young man’s game (I was having serious physical issues – pounding a base onto one tree isn’t so much, but you do that 20-30 times, and cramps set in right quick). They then shipped me off to the Chabot college book store as a parking attendant monitor. Everything was fine – I threw a little freight (and felt extremely old around all those yowwens) right up until I caught a horrible flu. It was so bad, I could barely keep broth down. Two days, I called in sick. Then the weekend. I called in Monday, weak as a kitten, ready to work, and was told the client ‘wanted someone reliable’. I protested that I’d gotten ill, not my fault. I tried to pester them to give me more work, but I’d become persona non grata. Sadly, a lot of agencies will do this. Fast forward to this month. I sent off an old resume, to the same guy who brought me on 3 years back. We talked on the phone, he asked me to come in, and yes, he remembered me. We went over the technical stuff, and then he asked me why I wanted to try again. I told him that A. I’ve always wanted a second crack at this, B. I still have my notes from 3 years ago, and C. I know exactly what I’m getting into. I’m still awaiting confirmation for my eligibility (the guy said if the company doesn’t mind, I’m in), but given how they treated me last time, I’m withholding bragging rights until I know for sure.
I tried out for my black belt, but didn’t get it (about 80% – again, no squeakers allowed). Maybe I’ll try again.
It’s now been two years since I’ve disowned my family. I’m managing okay, I don’t get in the holiday spirit like I used to, but I tell people, hey, the big trick is getting along with yourself, which is (in my opinion) a big problem in the world today. I’ve gotten the odd email – I’m usually terse and to the point, but it doesn’t look like reconciliation will happen any time soon.
As for the blog, I should apologize to my regular and long time readers. I’ve been terribly lazy, and I average about 2 posts per week, when I could be rattling my sabers more regularly. 2010 may be the year that I start getting stoked up again, but we’ll see.
Questions, comments, or general natter will be acceptable.
Posted by Krystalline Apostate at 3:58 PM
Sunday, December 27, 2009
And The Jury’s In – Again – Religion Improves Nothing
I rather enjoyed this article by the author (authoress? Is it PC to use that term?) of the Meme Machine.
Are we better off without religion?
Popular religious belief is caused by dysfunctional social conditions. This is the conclusion of the latest sociological research (pdf) conducted by Gregory Paul. Far from religion benefiting societies, as the "moral-creator socioeconomic hypothesis" would have it, popular religion is a psychological mechanism for coping with high levels of stress and anxiety – or so he suggests.
I've long been interested in Paul's work because it addresses a whole bunch of fascinating questions – why are Americans so religious when the rest of the developed world is increasingly secular? Is religious belief beneficial to societies? does religion make people behave better?
I’d assume that there’s a number of variables – it’s likely ingrained into our collective consciousness because of the Establishment cause, appears on our money, and there’s a degree of diversity among the religious that possibly rivals the amount of biological diversity of the coral reefs in Australia.
Many believers assume, without question, that it does – even that there can be no morality without religion. They cite George Washington who believed that national morality could not prevail without religions principles, or Dostoevsky's famous claim (actually words of his fictional character Ivan Karamazov) that "without God all things are permitted". Then there are Americans defending their country's peculiarly high levels of popular religious belief and claiming that faith-based charity is better than universal government provision.
Citing G. Washington is an argument from tradition, and nobody needs the supernatural to be decent folks.
Atheists, naturalists and humanists fight back claiming that it's perfectly possible to be moral without God. Evolutionary psychology reveals the common morality of our species, and the universal values of fairness, kindness, and reciprocity. But who is right? As a scientist I want evidence. What if – against all my own beliefs – it turns out that religious people really do behave better than atheists, and that religious societies are better in important respects than non-religious ones, then I would have cause to rethink some of my ideas.
This is where Gregory Paul and his research come in. I have often quoted his earlier, 2005, research which showed strong positive correlations between nations' religious belief and levels of murder, teenage pregnancy, drug abuse and other indicators of dysfunction. It seemed to show, at the very least, that being religious does not necessarily make for a better society. The real problem was that he was able to show only correlations, and the publicity for his new research seemed to imply causation. If so this would have important implications indeed.
In this latest research Paul measures "popular religiosity" for developed nations, and then compares it against the "successful societies scale" (SSS) which includes such things such as homicides, the proportion of people incarcerated, infant mortality, sexually transmitted diseases, teenage births and abortions, corruption, income inequality, and many others. In other words it is a way of summing up a society's health. The outlier again and again is the US with a stunning catalogue of failures. On almost every measure the US comes out worse than any other 1st world developed nation, and it is also the most religious.
Read the rest – it’s a good article, and it illustrates all the nonsense we’ve been discussing here for years. Religion improves nothing and no one. We share morals, none of this ‘borrowing’ folderol. Superstition is the fear of death, dimly cloaked, a ruse and tool of the alpha shamans, who shake their book at us and expect that we shake in fright as a response. It may have served some purpose in centuries past, but our species has evolved to having no need of shadowy wraiths and ghosts of Xmas pasts to keep us in lockstep anymore.
It is good to be free. To breathe, to know that our lives are our own, and the shackles of anachronism are broken.
Be free. Breathe. Our lives are works of art, to be made beautiful.
Posted by Krystalline Apostate at 12:09 AM
What happened to copies of Holy Lance (Holy Roman Empire regalia)? - History
the fair LADY HANGELINA, kel bonure igstrame poor mwaw ' (for you see I 've not studdied Pelham for nothink, and have lunt a few French phraces, without which no Gent of fashn speaks now). " ' 0,' replies my lady, ' it was Papa first : and then a very, very old friend of yours.' " ' Whose name is,' says I, pusht on by my stoopid curawsaty " ' HOGGINS MARY ANN HOGGINS ' ansurred my lady (laffing phit to splitt her little sides). ' She is my maid, MR. DE LA PLUCHE, and I 'm afraid you are a very sad, sad person.' " ' A mere baggy tell,' says I. ' In fommer days I was equainted with that young woman , but haltered suckmstancies have sepparated us for hever, and mong cure is irratreevably perd eiv elsewhere.' " ' Do tell me all about it. Who is it ? When was it? We are all dying to know.' " ' Since about two minnits, and the Ladys name begins with a Ha,' says I, looking her tendarly in the face, and conjring up hall the fassanations of my smile. " ' MR. DE LA PLUCHE,' here said a gentleman in whiskers and mistashes standing by, ' hadn't you bet- ter take your spurs out of the COUNTESS of BARE- ACRES' train ? ' ' Never mind Mamma's train ' (said JEAMES'S DIARY. 51 LADY HANGELINA) ' this is the great MR. DE LA PLUCHE, who is to make all our fortunes yours too. MR. DE LA PLUCHE, let me present you to CAPTAIN G-EORGE SILVERTOP.' The Capting bent just one jint of his back very slitely I retund his stare with equill hottiness. ' Go and see for LADY BAREACRES' carridge, CHARLES,' says his Lordship and vispers to me, ' a cousin of ours a poor relation.' So I took no notis of the feller when he came back, nor in my subsquint visits to Hill Street, where it seems a knife and fork was laid reglar for this shabby Cap- ting." " Thusday Night. HANGELINA, HANGELINA, my pashn for you hogments daily ! I 've bean with her two the Hopra. I sent her a bewtifle Camellia Jyponiky from Covn Garding, with a request she would wear it in her raving Air. I woar another in my butn-ole. Evns, what was my sattusfackshn as I leant hover her chair, and igsammined the house with my glas ! " She was as sulky and silent as pawsble, how- ever would scarcely speek although I kijoled her with a thowsnd little plesntries. I spose it was be- cause that wulgar raskle SILVERTOP, wood stay in the box. As if he didn' know (Lady B's as deaf as 52 JEAMES'S DIARY. a poast and counts for nothink) that people some- times like a tatytaty" " Friday. I was sleeples all night. I gave went to my feelings in the folloring lines there's a hair out of BALFE'S Hopera that she's fond of. I edapted them to that mellady. " She was in the droring-room alone with Lady B. She was wobbling at the pyanna as I hentered. I flung the convasation upon mewsick said I sung myself (I've ad lesns lately of SIGNOR TWANKY- DILLO) and, on her rekwesting me to faver her with somethink, I bust out with my poim : "WHEN MOONLIKE OER THE HAZDRE SEAS." " " When moonlike ore the hazure seas In soft effulgence swells, When silver jews and balmy breaze Bend down the Lily's bells When calm and deap, the rosy sleap Has lapt your soul in dreems, R HANGELIXE ! R lady mine ! Dost thou remember JEAMES ? " ' I mark thee in the Marble All, Where Englands loveliest shine I say the fairest of them hall Is LADY HAXGELINE. JEAMES'S DIARY. 53 My soul, in desolate eclipse, With recollection teems And then I hask, with weeping lips, Dost thou remember JEAMES ? " Away ! I may not tell thee hall This soughring heart endures There is a lonely sperrit-call That Sorrow never cures There is a little, little Star, That still above me beams It is the Star of Hope but ar 1 Dost thou remember JEAMES ? ' " When I came to the last words, ' Dost thou re- member JE-E-E-AMS,' I threw such an igspresshn of unuttrabble tenderniss into the shake at the hend, that HANGELINA could bare it no more. A bust of uncumtrollable emotium seized her.' She put her ankercher to her face and left the room. I heard her laffing and sobbing histerickly in the bedwor. " HANGELINA My adord one, My Arts joy !" BAREACRES, me, the ladies of the famly, with their sweet, SOUTHDOWN, B's eldest son, and GEORGE SIL- VERTOF, the shabby Capting (who seames to git leaf from his ridgment whenhever he likes), have beene I 54 JE AMES'S DIARY. down into Diddlesex for a few days, enjying the spawts of the feald there. " Never having done much in the gunning line (since when a hinnasent boy, me and JIM Cox used to go out at Healing, and shoot sparrers in the Edges with a pistle) I was rey ther dowtfle as to my suxes as a shot, and practusd for some days at a stoughd bird in a shooting gallery, which a chap histed up and down with a string. 1 sugseaded in itting the hannimle pret- ty well. I bought AWKER'S ' Shooting-Guide,' two double guns at MANTTNGS, and salected from the French prints of fashn the most gawjus and ellygant sporting ebillyment. A lite blue velvet and goold cap, woar very much on one hear, a cravatt of yaller & green imbroidered satting, a weskit of the McGRiG- GER plaid, & a jacket of the McWniRTER tartn (with large motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches & osses, and spawting subjix), high leather gayters, and marocky shooting shoes, was the simple hellymence of my costewm, and I flatter myself set hoff my figger in rayther a fayverable way. I took down none of my own pusnal istablishmint excep FITZWARREN. my hone mann, and my grooms, with Desparation and my curricle osses, and the Fourgong containing my dress- ing-case and close. " I was heverywhere introjuiced in the county as the great Railroad Cappitlist, who was to make Did- dlesex the most prawsperous districk of the hempire. JEAMES'S DIARY. 55 The squires prest forrards to welcome the new comer amongst 'em and we had a Hagricultral Meating of the Bareacres tenantry, where I made a speech dror- ing tears from hevery i. It was in compliment to a layborer who had brought up sixteen children, and lived sixty years on the istate on seven bobb a week. I am not prowd, though I know my station. I shook hands with that mann in lavinder kidd gloves. I told him that the purshuit of hagrieulture was the noblist hockupations of humannaty I spoke of the yoming of Hengland, who (under the command of my hancis- ters) had conquerd at Hadjincourt & Cressy and I gave him a pair of new velveteen inagspressables, with two and six in each pocket, as a reward for three score years of labor. FITZWARREN, my man, brought them forrards on a satting cushing. Has I sat down defning chears seluted the horator the band struck up 'The Good Old English Gentleman.' I looked to the ladies galry my HANGELINA waived her ankash- er and kissed her & and I sor in the distance that pore MAR.Y HANN efected evidently to tears by my el- laquints. " What an adwance that gal as made since she's been in LADY HANGELINA'S company ! Sins she wears her young lady's igsploded gownds and retired caps and ribbings, there's an ellygance abowt her . 56 JEAMES'S DIARY. which is puffickly admarable and which, haddid to her own natral bewty & sweetniss, creates in my boozum sorting sensatiums * * * ghor ! I mustn't give way to fealinx unwuthy of a member of the aristoxy. What can she be to me but a mear recklection, a vishn of former ears? " I'm blest if I didn mistake her for HANGELINA her- self yesterday. I met her in the grand Collydore of Bareacres Castle. I sor a lady in a melumcolly hat- tatude gacing outawinder at the setting sun, which was eluminating the fair parx and gardings of the han- cient demean. " ' Bewchus LADY HANGELINA,' says I- -'A penny for your Ladyship's thoughts/ says I. " ' Ho JEAMES ! Ho, MR. DE LA PLUCHE !' hanser- ed a well-known vice, with a haxnt of sadnis which went to my art. ' You know what my thoughts are, well enough. I was thinking of happy, happy old times, when both of us were poo poo oor,' says MARY HANN, busting out in a phit of crying, a thing I can't ebide. I took her & and tried to cumft her : I pinted out the diffrens of our sitawashuns igsplained to her that proppaty has its jewties as well as its previletches, and that my juty clearly was to marry into a noble farnly. I kep on talking to her (she sobbing and going hon hall the time) till LADY HANGELINA herself came up ' The real Siming Fewer,' as they say in the play. JEAMES'S DIARY. 57 " There they stood together them two young wo- men. I don't know which is the ansamest. I coodnt help comparing them and I coodnt help comparing myself to a certing Hannimle I've read of, that found it difficklt to make a choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A." " That ungrateful beest FITZWARREN my oan man a feller I've maid a fortune for a feller I give 100 Ib. per hannum to ! a low bred W ally dysh amber ! He must be thinking of falling in love too ! and treating me to his imperence. " He's a great big athlatic feller six foot i, with a pair of black whiskers like air-brushes with a look of a Colonel in the Harmy a dangerous pawm pus-spoken raskle I warrunt you. I was coming ome from shuiting this hafternoon and passing through LADY HANGELINAS flour-garding, who should I see in the surnmerouse, but MARY HANN pretending to em an ankysher and MR. FITZWARREN paying his cort to her. " ' You may as well have me, MARY HANN,' says he. ' I've saved money. We'll take a public house and I'll make a lady of you. I'm not a purse-proud ungrateful fellow like JEAMES who's such a snob (' such A SNOBB' was his very words !) that I'm asham- ed to wait on him who's the laughing stock of all the gentry and the housekeeper's room too try a I 58 JEAMES'S DIARY. man] says he ' don't be taking onabout such a hum- bug as JEAMES.' " Here young JOE the 'keaper's sun, who was car- rying my bagg, bust out a laffing thereby causing MR. FITZWARREN to turn round and intarupt this polite convasation. " I was in such a rayge. ' Quit the building, MARY HANN,' says I to the young woman ' and you, MR. FITZWARREN, have the goodness to remain.' " ' I give you warning,' roars he, looking black, blue, yaller all the colours of the ranebo. " ' Take hoff your coat, you imperent, hungrateful scoundrl,' says I. "' It's not your livery,' says he. "' Peraps'you'll understand me, when I take off my own,' says I, unbuttoning the motherapurls of the MACWHIRTER tartn. ' Take my jackit, JOE,' says I to the boy, and put myself in a hattatude about which there was no mistayk." ******** " He's 2 stone heavier than me and knows the use of his ands as well as most men but in a fite, blood's evert/think the Snobb can't stand before the gentleman and I should have killed him, I've little doubt, but they came up and stopt the fite betwigst us before we'd had more than 2 rounds. "I punisht the raskle tremenjusly in that time, though and I'm writing this in my own sittn-room, JEAMES'S DIARY. , 59 not being able to come down to dinner on account of a black eye I've got, which is sweld up and disfiggers me dredfl." On acount of the hoffle black i which I reseaved in my rangcounter with the hinfimus FITZWARREN, I kep my roomb for sevral days, with the rose-coloured curtings of the apartmint closed, so as to form an agreeble twilike and a light-bloo satting shayd over the injard pheacher. My woons was thus made to become me as much as pawsable and (has the Poick well observs ' Nun but the Brayv desuvs the Fare') I cumsoled myself in the sasiaty of the ladies for my tempory disfiggarment. "It was MARY HANN who summind the House and put an end to my phistycoughs with FITZ- WARREN. I licked him and bare him no mallis : but of corse I dismist the imperent scoundrill from my suvvis, apinting ADOLPHUS, my page, to his post of confidenshle Valley. " MARY HANN and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying me continyoul visits during my retire- mint. LADY HANGELINA was halways sending me messidges by her : while my exlent friend, LADY BAREACRES (on the contry) was always sending me toakns of affeckshn by HANGELINA. Now it was a cooling hi-lotium, inwented by herself, that her Lady- 60 JEAMES'S DIARY. ship would perscribe then, agin, it would be a booky of flowers (my favrit polly hanthuses, pellagoniums, and jyponikys), which none but the fair &s of HAN- GELINA could dispose about the chamber of the hin- vyleed. Ho ! those dear mothers ! when they wish to find a chans for a galliant young feller, or to ixtablish their dear gals in life, what awpertunities they will give a man ! You'd have phansied I was so hill (on account of my black hi), that I couldut live exsep upon chicking and spoon-meat, and jellies, and blemonges, and that I couldnt eat the latter dellixies (which I ebomminate onternoo, prefurring a cut of beef or muttn to hall the kickpshaws of France), unless HANGELINA brought them. I et 'em, and sacrafised myself for her dear sayk. " I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old LORD B. and his son, I had mayd my pro- poasls for HANGELINA, and was axepted, and hoped soon to be made the appiest gent in Hengland. " ' You must break the matter gently to her,' said her hexlent father. ' You have my warmest wishes, my dear MR. DE LA PLUCHE, and those of my LADY BAREACRES : but I am not not quite certain about LADY ANGELINA'S feelings. Girls are wild and ro- mantic. They do not see the necessity of prudent establishments, and I have never yet been able to make ANGELINA understand the embarrassments of her family. These silly creatures prate about love JEAMES'S DIARY. 61 and a cottage, and despise advantages which wiser heads than theirs know how to estimate.' " ' Do you mean that she aint fassanated by me ? ' says I, busting out at this outrayjus ideer. " ' She will be, my dear sir. You have already pleased her, your admirable manners must succeed in captivating her, and a fond father's wishes will be crowned on the day in which'you enter our family.' " ' Recklect, gents,' says I to the 2 lords, ' a bar- ging's a barging I'll pay hoff SOUTHDOWN'S Jews, when I'm his brother as a straynger (this I said in a sarcastickle toan) I wouldnt take such a libbaty. When I'm your suninlor I'll treble the valyou of your estayt. I'll make your incumbrinces as right as a trivit, and restor the noble ouse of Bareacres to its herly splender. But a pig in a poak is not the way of transacting bisniss imployed by JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, Esquire.' " And I had a right to speak in this way. I was one of the greatest scrip-holders in Hengland and calclated on a kilossle fortune. All my shares was rising immence. Every poast brot me noose that I was sevral thowsnds richer than the day befor. I was detummind not to reerlize till the proper time, and then to buy istates to found a new famly of DELAPLUCHES, and to alie myself with the aristoxy of my country. " These pints I reprasented to pore MARY HANN 62 JEAMES'S DIARY. hover and hover agin. ' If you'd been LADY HAN- GELINA, my dear gal,' says I, ' I would have married you : and why don't I ? Because my dooty prewents me. I'm a marter to dooty and you, my pore gal, must cumsole yorself with that ideer.' " There seamd to be a consperracy, too, between that SILVERTOP and LADY HANGELINA to drive me to the same pint. ' What a plucky fellow you were, PLTJCHE,' says he (he was rayther more familliar than I liked), ' in your fight with FITZWARREN ! to engage a man of twice your strength and science, though you were sure to be beaten (this is an etroashous folsood : I should have finnisht FITZ in 10 minnits), for the sake of poor MARY HANN ! That's a generous fellow. I like to see a man risen to eminence like you, hav- ing his heart in the right place. When is to be the marriage, my boy ? ' " ' CAPTING S.,' says I, ' my marridge consunns your most umble servnt a precious sight more than you ' and I gev him to understand I didn't want him to put in his ore I wasn't afrayd of his whisk- ers, I prommis you, Capting as he was. I'm a British Lion, I am as brayv as BONYPERT. HAXNI- BLE, or HOLIVER CuuMMLE. and would face bagnits as well as any Evy drigoon of 'em all. " LADY HANGELINA, too, igspawstulated in her hartfl way. ' MR DE LA PLUCHE (seshee) why, why JEAMES'S DIARY. 63 press this point ? You can't suppose that you will be happy with a person like me ? ' " ' I adoar you, charming gal ! ' says I, ' Never, never go to say any such thing.' " ' You adored MARY ANN first ' answers her Ladyship ' you can't keep your eyes off her now. If any man courts her you grow so jealous that you begin beating him. You will break the girl's heart if you don't marry her, and perhaps some one else's but you don't mind that.' 1 " ' Break yours, you adoarible creature ! I'd die first ! And as for MARY HANN, she will git over it people's arts aint broakn so easy. Once for all, suckmstances is changed betwigst me and er. It's a pang to part with her (says I my fine hi's filling with tears), but part from her I must.' " It was curius to remark abowt that singlar gal, LADY HANGELINA, that melumcolly as she was when she was talking to me, and ever so disml yet she kep on lafnng every minute like the juice and all. " ' What a sacrifice ! ' says she, ' it's like NAPO- LEON giving up JOSEPHINE. What anguish it must cause to your susceptible heart ! ' " ' It does,' says I ' Hagnies ! ' (another laff.) " ' And if if I don't accept you you will invade the States of the Emperor, my Papa and I am to be made the sacrifice and the occasion of peace between you ! ' 64 JEAMES'S DIARY. " ' I don't know what you're eluding to about JOSEYFEEN and Hemperors your Pas but I know that your Pa's estate is over hedaneers morgidged that if some one don't elp him, he's no better than an old pawper : that he owes me a lot of money and that I'm the man that can sell him up hoss & foot j or set him up agen that's what I know, LADY HAN- GELINA,' says I, with a hair as much as to say, ' Put that in your ladyship's pipe, and smoke it.' " And so I left her, and nex day a serting fashna- ble paper enounced " ' MARRIAGE m HIGH LIFE. We hear that a matrimonial union is on the tapis between a gentle- man who has made a colossal fortune in the Railway World, and the only daughter of a noble earl, whose estates are situated in D ddles x. An early day is fixed for this interesting event.' " " CONTRY to my expigtations (but when or ow can we reckn upon the fealinx of wimming ?) MARY HANN didn't seem to be much efected by the hideer of my marridge with HANGELINAR. I was rayther dis- apinted peraps that the fickle young gal reckumsiled herself so easy to giving me hup, for we Gents are creechers of vanaty after all, as well as those of the hopsit seeks : & betwigst you & me there was mo- minx, when I almost whisht that I 'd been borne a JEAMES's DIARY. 05 Myomnridn or Turk, when the Lor would have per- mitted me to marry both these sweet beinx, where- has I was now condemd to be appy with ony one. " Meanwild every-think went on very agreeble be- twigst me and my defianced bride. When we came back to town I kemishnd MR. SHOWERY the great Hoctionear to look out for a town manshing sootable for a gent of my quality. I got from the Erald Horns (not the Mawning Erald no no, I 'm not such a Mough as to go there for ackrit infamation) an account of my famly, my harms & pedigry. " I bordered in Long Hacre, three splendid equi- pidges, on which my arms and my adord wife's was drawn & quartered and I got portricks of me and her paynted by the sellabrated MR. SHALLOON, being resolved to be the gentleman in all things, and know- ing that my character as a man of fashn wasn't coni- pleat unless I sat to that distinguished Hartist. My likenis I presented to HANGELINA. Its not consid- ered flattering here it is and though she parted with it, as you will hear, mighty willingly, there 's one young lady (a thousand times handsomer) that values it as the happle of her hi." "Would any man beleave that this picture was soald at my sale for about a twenty-fifth part of what it cost ? It was bought in by MARYHANN, though : ' dear JEAMES,' she says often, (kissing of it & press- ing it to her art) ' it isn't ansum enough for you, and 66 JEAMES'S DIARY. hasn't got your angellick smile and the igspreshun of your dear dear i's.' " " HANGELINA'S pictur was kindly presented to me by Countess B., her mamma, though of coarse, I paid for it. It was engraved for the Book of Bewty this year : and here is a proof of the etching : " With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely have known her but the ands, feat, and i's, is very like. She was painted in a gitar supposed to be sing- ing one of my little melladies and her brother SOUTHDOWN, who is one of the New England poits, wrote the follering stanzys about her : LINES UPON MY SISTER'S PORTRAIT. BT THE LORD SOUTHDOWN. The Castle towers of Bareacres are fair upon the lea, Where the cliffs of bonny Diddlesex rise up from out the sea: I stood upon the donjon keep and riew'd the country o'er, I saw the lands of Bareacres for fifty miles or more. I stood upon the donjon keep it is a sacred place, Where floated for eight hundred years the banner of my race Argent, a dexter sinople, and gules an azure field, There ne'er was nobler cognizance on knightly warrior's shield. The first time England saw the shield 'twas round a Norman neck, On board a ship from Valery, KING WILLIAM was on deck. A Norman lance the colors wore, in Basting's fatal fray ST. WILLIBALD for Bareacres ! 'twas double gules that day ! JEAMES'S DIARY. 67 Heaven and sweet ST. WILLIBALD I in may a battle since A loyal-hearted BAREACRES has ridden by his Prince ! At Acre with PLANTAGENET, with EDWARD at Poitiers, The pennon of the BAREACRES was foremost on the spears ! 'Twos pleasant in the battle-shock to hear our war-cry ringing : O ! grant me, sweet SAINT WILLIBALD, to listen to such singing ! Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, we drove the foe before us, And thirty score of British bows kept twanging to the chorus ! O knights, my noble ancestors ! and shall I never hear SAINT WILLIBALD for Bareacres through battle ringing clear ? I'd cut me off this strong right hand a single hour to ride, And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at your side ! Dash down, dash down, yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine ! Those blushing lips may never sing the glories of our line : Our ancient castles echo to the clumsy feet of churls, The spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Earls. Sing not, sing not> my ANGELINE ! in days so base and vile, 'Twere sinful to be happy, 'twere sacrilege to smile. I'll hie me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob I'll muse on other days, and wish and wish I were A SNOB. " All young Hengland, I'm told, considers the po- im bewtifle. They're always writing about battleaxis and shivvlery, these young chaps but the ideer of SOUTHDOWN in a shoot of arrner, and his cuttin hoff his ' strong right hand,' is rayther too good the fel- ler is about 5 fit hi, as ricketty as a babby, with a vaist like a gal, and though he may have the art and curridge of a Bengal tyger, I'd back my smallest 68 JEAMES'S DIARY. cab-boy to lick him, that is, if I ad a. cab-boy. But io ! my cab-days is over." " Be still my hagnizing Art ! I now am about to hunfoald the dark payges of the Istry of my life ! " " My frends ! you've seen me ither2 in the full kerear of Fortn, prawsprus but not hover prowd of my prawsperraty not dizzy though mounted on the haypix of Good Luck feasting hall the great (like the Good Old Henglish Gent in the song, which he has been my moddle and igsample through life) but not forgitting the small No, my beayviour to my granmother at Healing shows that. I bot her a new donkey cart (what the French call a cart-blansh) and a handsome set of peggs for anging up her linning, and treated Huncle Jim to a new shoot of close, which he ordered in St. Jeames's Street, much to the es- tonishment of my Snyder there, namely an ollif-green velvyteen jackit and smalclose, and a crimsn plush weskoat with glas-buttns. These pints of genarawsaty in my disposishn I never should have eluded to, but to show that I am naturally of a noble sort and have that kind of galliant carridge which is equel to either good or bad forting. " What was the substns of my last chapter 1 In that every think was prepay red for my marridge the consent of the parents of my HANGELINA was gaynd. JEAMES'S DIARY. 69 the lovely gal herself was ready (as I thought) to be led to Himing's halter the trooso was hordered the wedding dressis were being phitted hon a weddin- kake weighing half a tunn was a gettn reddy by ME- SURS GUNTER, of Buckley-square there was such an account for Shantilly and Honiton laces as would have staggerd hennybody (I know they did the Com- missioner when I came hup for my Stiffikit) and has for Injar-shawls I bawt a dozen sich fine ones as never was given away no not by His Iness the Injan Prins JUGGERNAUT TYGORE. The juils (a pearl and dimind shoot) were from the extablishmint of MYSURS STORR AND MORTIMER. The honey-moon I intended to pass in a continentle excussion, and was in treaty for the ouse at Halberd-gate (hopsit MR. HUDSON'S) as my town-house. I waited to cumclude the putchis untie the Share-Markit which was rayther deprest (oing I think not so much to the atax of the misrabble Times, as to the prodidjus flams of the Morning Erald) was restored to its elthy toan. I wasn't goin to part with scrip which was 20 primmium at 2 or 3 and bein confidnt that the Markit would rally, had bought very largely for the two or three new accounts. " This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to womb I gayv orders for a large igstent ow it was that I couldn't pay their accounts. Jam the soal of onour but no gent can pay when he has no money it's not my fault if that old screw L'ADY BAREACRES 70 JEAMES'S DIARY. cabbidged three hundred yards of lace, and kep back 4 of the biggest diminds and seven of the largist Injar Shawls it's not my fault if the tradespeople didn git their goods back, and that LADY B. declared they were lost. I began the world afresh with the close on my back, and thirteen and six in money, concealing nothink, giving up heverythink, Onist and undismayed, and though beat, with pluck in me still, and ready to begin agin. " Well it was the day before that apinted for my Unium. The Ringdove steamer was lying at Dover ready to carry us hoff. The Bridle apartmince had been bordered at Salt Hill, and subsquintly at Balong sur Mare the very table cloth was laid for the weddn brexfst in 111 Street, and the Bride's Right Reverend Huncle, the LORD BISHOP OF BULLOCK- SMITHY, had arrived to sellabrayt our unium. All the papers were full of it. Crowds of the fashnable world went to see the trooso and admire the Car- ridges in Long Hacre. Our travleng charrat (light bloo lined with pink satting, and vermillium and goold weals) was the hadmaration of all for quiet ellygns. We were to travel only 4, viz., me, my lady, my vally, and MARY HANN as famdyshamber to my H AN- GELINA. Far from oposing our match, this worthy gal had quite givn into it of late, and laught and joakt, and enjoyd our plans for the fewter igseed- inkly. JEAMES's DIARY. 71 " I'd left my lovely Bride very gay the night be- fore aving a multachewd of bisniss on, and Stock- brokers & bankers' accounts to settle : atsettrey at- settrey. It was layt befor I got these in border : my sleap was feavrish, as most mens is when they are going to be marrid or to be hanged. I took my chocklit in bed about one : tride on my wedding close, and found as ushle that they became me exeedingly. " One thing distubbed my mind two weskts had been sent home. A blush-white satting and gold, and a kinary coloured tabbinet imbridered in silver which should I wear on the hospicious day ? This hadgitated and perplext me a good deal. I detum- mined to go down to Hill Street and cuinsult the Lady whose wishis were henceforth to be my hallin- all and wear whichever she phixt on. " There was a great bussel and distubbans in the Hall in 111 Street which I etribyouted to the eproaching event. The old porter stared most un- common when I kem in the footman who was to enounce me laft I thought I was going up stairs " ' Her ladyship's not not at bomej says the man ' and my lady's hill in bed.' " ' Git lunch,' says I, ' I'll wait till Lady HANGE- LINA returns.' " At this the feller loox at me for a momint with his cheex blown out like a bladder, and then busts out in a reglar guffau ! the porter jined in it. the 72 JEAMES'S DIARY. impident old raskle and Thomas says, slapping his and on his thy, without the least respect ' I say, Huffy, old boy ! ISN'T this a good un ? ' " Wadyermean, you infunnle scoundrel," says I, " hollaring and laffing at me ? " " ' here's Miss MARY HANN coming up,' says Thomas, ' ask her'' and indeed there came my little MARY HANN tripping down the stairs her &s in her pockits and when she saw me she began to blush & look hod & then to grin too. "'In the name of Imperence, says I, rushing on Thomas, and collaring him fit to throttle him ' no raskle of a flunky shall insult mej and I sent him staggerin up aginst the porter, and both of 'em into the hall-chair with a flopp when MARY HANN, jump- ing down, says, ' James ! Mr. Plush ! read this' and she pulled out a billy doo. " I reckanized the and-writing of HANGELINA. " Deseatful H ANGELINA'S billy ran as follows *' ' I had all along hoped that you would have re- linquished pretensions which you must have seen were so disagreeable to me and have spared me the painful necessity of the step which I am compelled to take. For a long time I could not believe my parents were serious in wishing to sacrifice me. JEAMES'S DIARY. 73 but have in vain entreated them to spare me. I cannot undergo .the shame and misery of a union with you. To the very last hour I remonstrated in vain, and only now anticipate, by a few hours, my de- parture from the home from which they themselves were about to expel me. " ' When you receive this, I shall be united to the person to whom, as you are aware, my heart was given long ago. My parents are already informed of the step I have taken. And I have my own honour to consult, even before their benefit : they will forgive me, I hope and feel, before long. " ' As for yourself, may I not hope that time will calm your exquisite feelings too ? I leave MARY ANN behind to console you. She admires you as you deserve to be admired, and with a constancy which I entreat you to try and imitate. Do, my dear MR. PLUSH, try for the sake of your sincere friend and admirer, " ' A.' " ' P. S. I leave the wedding-dresses behind for her: the diamonds are beautiful, and will become MRS. PLUSH admirably.'" " This was hall ! Confewshn ! And there stood the footmen sniggerin, and that hojous MARY HANN half a cryin, half a laffing at me ! ' Who has she gone hoff with ? ' rors I and MARY HANN (smiling 4 74 JEAMES'S DIARY. with one hi) just touched the top of one of the Johns' canes who was goin out with the noats to put hoff the brekfst. It was SILVERTOP then ! " I bust out of the house in a stayt of diamonia- cal igsitement ! " The storry of that iloapmint / have no art to tell. Here it is from the 'Morning Tatler' news- paper. "ELOPEMENT IN HIGH LIFE. "THE ONLY AUTHENTIC ACCOUNT. "The neighbourhood of Berkeley Square, and the whole fashionable world, has been thrown into a state of the most painful excitement by an event which has just placed a noble family in great per- plexity and affliction. " It has long been known among the select no- bility and gentry that a marriage was on the tapis between the only daughter of a Noble Earl, and a Gentleman whose rapid fortunes in the railway world have been the theme of general remark. "Yester- day's paper, it was supposed in all human probability would have contained an account of the marriage of JAMES DE LA PL CHE, ESQ., and the LADY ANGE- LINA , daughter of the Right Honorable the EARL OF B RE CRES. The preparations for this ceremony were complete : we had the pleasure of in- JEAMES'S DIARY. 75 specting the rich trousseau (prepared by Miss TWID- DLER, of Pall Mall) the magnificent jewels from the establishment of MESSRS. STORR & MORTIMER the elegant marriage cake, which, already cut up and portioned, is, alas ! not destined to be eaten by the friends of MR. DE LA PL CHE the superb carriages and magnificent liveries, which had been provided in a style of the most lavish yet tasteful sumptuosity. The Right Reverend the LORD BISHOP OF BULLOCK- SMITHY had arrived in town to celebrate the nuptials, and is staying at MIVART'S. What must have been the feelings of that venerable prelate, what those of the agonised and noble parents of the LADY ANGE- LINA when it was discovered, on the day previous to the wedding, that her Ladyship had fled the paternal mansion ! To the venerable Bishop the news of his noble niece's departure might have been fatal : we have it from the waiters of MIVART'S that his Lord- ship was about to indulge in the refreshment of turtle soup when the news was brought to him im- mediate apoplexy was apprehended but MR. MA- CANN, the celebrated Surgeon, of Westminster, was luckily passing through Bond Street at the time, and being promptly called in, bled and relieved the exem- plary patient. His Lordship will return to the Palace, Bullocksmithy. to-morrow. " The frantic agonies of the Right Honorable the EARL OF BAREACRES can be imagined by every pater- 76 JEAMES's DIARY. nal heart. Far be it from us to disturb impossible is it for us to describe their noble sorrow. Our reporters have made inquiries every ten minutes at the Earl's mansion in Hill Street, regarding the health of the Noble Peer and his incomparable Countess. They have been received with a rudeness which we deplore but pardon. One was threatened with a cane an- other, in the pursuit of his official inquiries, was saluted with a pail of water a third gentleman was menaced in a pugilistic manner by his Lordship's porter : but being of the Irish nation, a man of spirit and sinew, and Master of Arts of Trinity College, Dublin, the gentleman of our establishment con- fronted the menial, and having severely beaten him. retired to a neighbouring hotel much frequented by the domestics of the surrounding nobility, and there obtained what we believe to be THE MOST ACCURATE PARTICULARS of this extraordinary occurrence. " GEORGE FREDERICK JENNINGS, third footman in the establishment of LORD BAREACRES, stated to our employ^ as follows : LADY ANGELINA had been promised to MR. DE LA PLUCHE for near six weeks. She never could abide that gentleman. He was the laughter of all the servants' hall. Previous to his elevation he had himself been engaged in a domestic capacity. At that period he had offered marriage to MARY ANN HOGGINS, who was living in the quality of ladies' maid in the family where MR. DE LA P. JEAMES's DIARY. 77 was employed. Miss HOGGINS became subsequently ladies' maid to LADY ANGELINA the elopement was arranged between those two. It was Miss HOGGINS who delivered the note which informed the bereaved MR. PLUSH of his loss. " SAMUEL BUTTONS, page to the Right Honorable the EARL OF BAREACRES, was ordered on Friday forenoon, at eleven o'clock, to fetch a cabriolet from the stand in Davies Street. He selected the cab No. 19,796. driven by GEORGE GREGORY MACARTY, a one- eyed man from Clonakilty, in the neighbourhood of Cork, Ireland (of whom more anon), and waited, ac- cording to his instructions, at the corner of Berkeley Square with the vehicle. His young lady, accompa- nied by her maid, Miss MARY ANN HOGGINS, carry- ing a band-box, presently arrived, and' entered the cab with the box : what were the contents of that box we have never been able to ascertain. On ask- ing her ladyship whether he should order the cab to drive in any particular direction, he was told to drive to MADAME CRINOLINE'S, the eminent milliner, in Cavendish Square. On requesting to know whether he should accompany her ladyship, BUTTONS was per- emptorily ordered by Miss HOGGINS to go about his business. " Having now his clue, our reporter instantly went in search of cab 19,796, or rather of the driver of that vehicle, who was discovered with no small dif- 78 JEAMES's DIARY. ficuky at his residence, Whetstone Park, Lincoln's Inn Fields, where he lives with his family of nine children. Having received two sovereigns, instead, doubtless, of two shillings (his regular fare, by the way, would have been only one and eightpence), MACARTY had not gone out with the cab for the last two days, passing them in a state of almost ceaseless intoxication. His replies were very incoherent in answer to the queries of our reporter and, had not that gentleman been himself a compatriot, it is proba- ble he would have refused altogether to satisfy the curiosity of the public. " At MADAME CRINOLINE'S, Miss HOGGINS quitted the carriage, and a gentleman entered it. MACARTY describes him as a very clever gentleman (meaning tall), with black moustaches, Oxford-grey trousers, and black hat and a pea-coat. He drove the couple to the JZuston Square Station, and there left them. How he employed his time subsequently, we have stated. " At the Euston Square Station, the gentleman of our establishment learned from FREDERICK COR- DUROY, a porter there, that a gentleman answering the above description had taken places to Derby, We have despatched a confidential gentleman thither, by a special train, and shall give his report in a second edition. JEAMES'S DIARY. 79 "SECOND EDITION. " (FROM OUR REPORTER.) ' " Newcastle, Monday. " ' I am just arrived at this ancient town, at the Elephant and Cucumber Hotel. A party travelling under the name of Mr. and Mrs. Jones, the gentle- man wearing moustaches, and having with them a blue band-box, arrived by the train two hours before me, and have posted onwards to Scotland. I have ordered four horses, and write this on the hind-boot, as they are putting to.' THIRD EDITION. " ' Gretna Green, Monday Evening. " ' The mystery is at length solved. This after- noon, at four o'clock, the Hymeneal Blacksmith, of Gretna Green, celebrated the marriage between GEORGE GRANBY SILVERTOP, Esq., a Lieutenant in the 150th Hussars, third son of GENERAL JOHN SIL- VERTOP, of Silvertop Hall, Yorkshire, and LADY EMILY SILVERTOP, daughter of the late sister of the present EARL OF BAREACRES, and the LADY ANGELINA AMELIA ARETHUSA ANACONDA ALEXAN- 80 JEAMES'S DIARY. DRINA ALICOMPANIA ANNEMARIA ANTOINETTA, daugh- ter of the last named EARL BAREACRES.' (Here follows a long Extract from the Marriage Service in the Book of Common Prayer, which was not read on the occasion^ and need not be repeated here.) " After the ceremony, the young couple partook of a slight refreshment of sherry and water the former, the Captain pronounced to be execrable and. having myself tasted some glasses from the very same bottle with which the young and noble pair were served, I must say I think the Captain was rather hard upon mine host of the Bagpipes Hotel and Posting House, whence they instantly pro- ceeded. I follow them as soon as the horses have fed. "FOURTH EDITION. " SHAMEFUL TREATMENT OP OUR REPORTER. " ' WHISTLEBINKIE, N. B., Monday, midnight. " ' I arrived at this romantic little villa about two hours after the newly-married couple, whose progress I have had the honour to trace, reached Whistlebinkie. They have taken up their residence JEAMES'S DIARY. 81 at the Cairngorm Arms mine are at the other hostelry, the Clachan of Whistlebinkie. " ' On driving up to the Cairngorm Arms, I found a gentleman of military appearance standing at the door, and occupied seemingly in smoking a cigar. It was very dark as I descended from my carriage, and the gentleman in question exclaimed, ' Is it you, SOUTHDOWN, my boy ? You have come too late : unless you are come to have some supper ' or words to that effect. I explained that I was not the LORD VISCOUNT SOUTHDOWN, and politely apprised CAPTAIN SILVERTOP (for I justly concluded the individual before me could be no other) of his mistake. " ' Who the deuce (the Captain used a stronger term) are you, then?' said MR. SILVERTOP. 'Are you BAGGS & TAPEWELL, my uncle's attorneys ? If you are, you have come too late for the fair.' " ' I briefly explained that I was not BAGGS & TAPEWELL, but that my name was J xs, and that I was a gentleman connected with the Establishment of the Morning Taller newspaper. " ' And what has brought you here, MR. MORNING TATLER?' asked my interlocutor, rather roughly. My answer was frank that the disappearance of a noble lady from the house of her friends had caused the greatest excitement in the metropolis, and that my employers were anxious to give the public every particular regarding an event so singular. 4* 82 JEAMES'S DIARY. " ' And do you mean to say, sir, that you have dogged me all the way from London, and that my family affairs are to be published for the readers of the Morning Taller newspaper? The Morning Taller be (the Captain here gave utterance to an oath which I shall not repeat) and you too, sir you impudent meddling scoundrel.' " ' Scoundrel, sir ! ' said I. ' Yes,' replied the irate gentleman, seizing me rudely by the collar and he would have choked me, but that my blue satin stock and false collar gave way, and were left in the hands of this gentleman. ' Help, landlord ! ' I loudly exclaimed, adding, I believe, ' murder,' and other exclamations of alarm. In vain I appealed to the crowd, which by this time was pretty considera- ble they and the unfeeling post-boys only burst into laughter, and called out, ' Give it him, Captain.' A struggle ensued, in which, I have no doubt, I should have had the better, but that the Captain, joining suddenly in the general and indecent hilarity, which was doubled when I fell down, stopped, and said, ' Well, JIMS, I won't fight on my marriage-day. Go into the tap, JIMS, and order a glass of brandy and water at my expense and mind I don't see your face to-morrow morning, or I'll make it more ugly than it is.' " With these gross expressions and a cheer from the crowd, MR. SILVERTOP entered the inn. I need JEAMES'S DIARY. 83 not say that I did not partake of his hospitality, and that personally I despise his insults. I make them known that they may call down the indignation of the body of which I am a member, and throw myself on the sympathy of the public, as a gentleman shame- fully assaulted and insulted in the discharge of a public duty." " THUS you've scan how the flower of my affeck- shns was tawn out of my busm, and my art was left bleading. HANGELINA ! I forgive thee. Mace thoube appy ! If ever artfelt prayer for others wheel awail- ed on i, the beink on womb you trampled addresses those subblygations to Evn in your bej ! " I went home like a maniack, after hearing the enouncement of HANGELINA'S departer. She'd been gone twenty hours when I heard the fatle noose. Purshoot was vain. Suppose I did kitch her up, they were married, and what could we do? This sensable remark I made to EARL BAREACRES, when that distragted nobleman igspawstulated with me. Er who was to have been my mother-in lor, the Countiss, I never from that momink sor agin. My presnts, troosoes, juels, &c., were sent back with the igsepshin of the diminds & Cashmear shawl, which her Ladyship coodrtt find. Ony it was wisp- erd that at the nex buthday she was seen with a shawl igsackly of the same pattn. Let er keep it. 84 JEAMES'S DIARY. " SOITTHDOWN was phurius. He came to me hafter the ewent, and wanted me to adwance 501b, so that he might purshew his fewgitif sister but I wasn't to be ad with that sort of chaugh there was no more money for that famly. So he went away, and gave huttrance to his feelinx in a poem, which appeared (price 2 guineas) in the Bel Asombly. "All the juilers, manchumakers, lacemen, coch bilders, apolstrers, hors dealers, and weddencake makers came pawring in with their bills, haggra- vating feelings already woondid beyond enjurants. That madniss didn't seaze me that night was a mussy. Fever, fewry, and rayge rack'd my hagnized braind, and drove sleap from my throbbink ilids. Hall night I follored HANGELINAR in imadganation along the North Road. I wented cusses & mally- dickshuns on the hinfamus SILVERTOP. I kickd'and rored in my unhuttarable whoe ! I seazd my pillar I pitcht into it : pummld it, strangled it, ha har ! I thought it was SILVERTOP writhing in my Jint grasp and taw the hordayshis Villing lim from lim in the terrable strenth of my despare ! Let me drop a cutting over the memries of that night. When my boddy-suvnt came with my Ot water in the mawning, the livid Copse in the charnill was not payler than the gashly DE LA PLUCHE ! " ' Give me the Share-list, Mandeville,' I mican- ickly igsclaimed. I had not perused it for the 3 past JEAMES'S DIARY. 85 days, my etention being engayged elseware. Hevns & huth ! what was it I red there ? What was it that made me spring outabed as if sumbady had given me cold pig 1 I red REWIN in that Share-list the PANNICK was in full hoparation ! # * * * # " Shall I discribe that Kitastrafy with which hall Hengland is fimilliar ? My & rifewses to cronnicle the misfortns which lassarated my bleeding art in Hoctober last. On the fust of Hawgust where was I ? Director of twenty-three Companies older of scrip hall at a primmium, and worth at least a quar- ter of a millium. On Lord Mare's day, my Saint Helena's quotid at 1 4 pm, were down at discount my Central Ichaboes at | discount my Table Mount- ing & Hottentot Grand Trunk, no where my Bathershins and Derrynane Beg, of which I'd bought 2000 for the account at 17 primmium down -to nix my Juan Fernandez, & my Great Central Oregons prostrit. There was a momint when I thought I shouldn't be alive to write my own tail ! " (Here follow in MR. PLUSH'S MS. about twenty- jfmr pages of railroad calculations, which we pre- formit.) " Those beests, PUMP & ALDGATE, once so cring- ing and umble, wrote me a threatnen letter because I overdrew my account three-and-sixpence : woodn't advance me five thousnd on 250000 worth of scrip 86 JEAMES's DIARY. kep me waiting 2 hours when I asked to see the house and then sent out SPOUT, the jewnior partner, saying they woodn't discount my paper, and implawed me to clothes my account. I did : I paid the three- and-six ballince, and never sor 'em mor. " The market fell daily. The Rewin grew wusser and wusser. Hagnies, Hagnies ! It wasn't in the city aloan my misfortns came upon me. They beerd- ed me in my own Ome. The Biddle who kips watch at the Halbany wodn keep Misfortn out of my chambers and MRS. TWIDDLER, of Pull Mall, and MR. HUNX, of Long Acre, put egsicution into my apartmince, and swep off every stick of my furniture. ' Wardrobe & furniture of a man of fashion.' What an adwertisement GEORGE ROBINS did make of it and what a crowd was collected to laff at the pros- pick of my ruing ! My chice plait my seller of wine my picturs that of myself included (it was MARYHANN, bless her ! that bought it, unbeknown to me) all all went to the ammer. That brootle FITZWARREN, my ex-vally, womb I met, fimilliarly slapt me on the sholder, and said, ' JEAMES, my boy, you'd best go into suwis aginn.' " " I did go into suvvis the wust of all suvvices I went into the Queen's Bench Prison, and lay there a misrabble captif for 6 mortial weeks. Misrabble shall I say ? no, not misrabble altogether there was sunlike in the dunjing of the pore prisner. I had JEAMES'S DIARY. 87 visitors. A cart used to drive hup to the prizn gates of Saturdays a washywoman's cart, with a fat old lady in it, and a young one. Who was that young one 1 Every one who has an art can guess, it was my blue-eyed blushing Hangel of a MARY HANN ! J Shall we take him out iu the linnen-basket, grand- mamma ? ' MARY HANN said. Bless her, she'd al- ready learned to say grandmamma quite natral but I didn't go out that way I went out by the door a white-washed man. Ho, what a feast there was at Healing the day I came out ! I'd thirteen shillings left when I'd bought the gold ring. I wasn't prowd. I turned the mangle for three weeks and then UNCLE BILL said, ' Well, there is some good in the feller ' and it was agreed that we should marry." The PLUSH manuscript finishes here it is many weeks since we saw the accomplished writer, and we have only just learned his fate. We are happy to state it is a comfortable and almost a prosperous one. The Honorable and Right Reverend LIONEL THISTLEWOOD, Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy, was mentioned as the uncle of LADY ANGELINA SILVER- TOP. Her elopement with her cousin caused deep emotion to the venerable prelate : he returned to the palace at Bullocksmithy, of which he had been for thirty years the episcopal ornament, and where he married three wives, who lie buried in his Cathedral Church of St. Boniface. Bullocksmithy. 88 JEAMES'S DIARY. The admirable man has rejoined those whom he loved. As he was preparing a charge to his clergy in his study after dinner, the Lord Bishop fell suddenly down in a fit of apoplexy his butler, bringing in his accustomed dish of devilled-kidneys for supper, discovered the venerable form extended on the Tur-. key carpet with a glass of Madeira in his hand but life was extinct : and surgical aid was therefore not particularly useful. All the late prelate's wives had fortunes, which the admirable man increased by thrift, the judicious sale of leases which fell in during his episcopacy, &c. He left three hundred thousand pounds divided be- tween his nephew and niece not a greater sum than has been left by several deceased Irish prelates. What LORD SOUTHDOWN has done with his share we are not called upon to state. He has composed an epitaph to the Martyr of Bullocksmithy, which does him infinite credit. But we are happy to state that LADY ANGELINA SILVERTOP presented five hun- dred pounds to her faithful and affectionate servant, MARY ANN HOGGINS, on her marriage with MR. JAMES PLUSH, to whom her Ladyship also made a handsome present namely, the lease, good-will, and fixtures of the "Wheel of Fortune" public house, near Sheppherd's Market, May Fair a house greatly fre- quented by all the nobility's footmen, doing a genteel JEAMES'S DIARY. 89 stroke of business in the neighborhood, and where, as we have heard, the "Butlers' Club" is held. Here MR. PLUSH lives happy in a blooming and interesting wife : reconciled to a middle sphere of life, as he was to a humbler and a higher one before. He has shaved off his whiskers, and accommodates him- self to an apron with perfect good humor. A gentle- man connected with this establishment dined at the Wheel of Fortune, the other day, and collected the above particulars. MR. PLUSH blushed rather, as he brought in the first dish, and told his story very modestly over a pint of excellent port. He had only one thing in life to complain of, he said that a wit- less version of his adventures had been produced at the Prince's Theatre, " without with your leaf or by your leaf," as he expressed it. " Has for the rest," the worthy fellow said, " I'm appy praps betwigst you and me I'm in my proper spear. I enjy my glass of beer or port (with your elth and my suwice to you, Sir), quite as much as my clarrit in my praws- prus days. I've a good busniss, which is likely to be better. If a man can't be appy with such a wife as my MARY HANN, he's a beest : and when a chris- tening takes place in our famly, will you give my complments to Mr. Punch, and ask him to be god- father." A LEGEND OF THE EHINE. A LEGEND OF THE RHINE, CHAPTER I. IT WAS in the good old days of chivalry, when every mountain that bathes its shadows in the Rhine had its castle not inhabited as now by a few rats and owls, nor covered with moss and wall-flowers, and funguses, and creeping ivy no, no ! where the ivy now clusters there grew strong portcullis and bars of steel where the wall-flower now quivers in the ram- part there were silken banners embroidered with won- derful heraldry men-at-arms marched where now you shall only see a bank of moss or a hideous black cham- pignon and in place of the rats and owlets, I warrant me there were ladies and knights to revel in the great halls, and to feast and to dance, and to make love there. They are passed away. Those old knights and ladies, their golden hair first changed to silver, and then pure silver it dropped off and disappeared for ever their elegant legs, so slim and active in 94 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. the dance, became swollen and gouty, and then, from being swollen and gouty, dwindled down to bare bone shanks the roses left their cheeks, and then their cheeks disappeared, and left their skulls, and then their skulls powdered into dust, and all sign of them was gone. And as it was with them so shall it be with us. Ho, seneschal ! fill me up a cup of liquor ! put sugar in it, good fellow, yea, and a little hot wa- ter a very little, for my soul is sad, as I think of those days and knights of old. They, too, have revelled and feasted, and where are they ? gone ? nay, not altogether gone for doth not the eye catch glimpses of them as they walk yon- der in the gray limbo of romance, shining faintly in their coats of steel, wandering by the side of long- haired ladies, with long-tailed gowns that little pages carry. Yes one sees them : the poet sees them still in the far off Cloudland, and hears the ring of their clarions as they hasten to battle or tourney and the dim echoes of their lutes chanting of love and fair la- dies ! Gracious privilege of poesy ! It is as the Dervish's collyrium to the eyes, and causes them to see treasures that to the sight of donkeys are invi?!- y I ble. Blessed treasures of fancy ! I would not change ye no, not for many donkey-loads of gold. . . Fill again, jolly seneschal, thou brave wag: chalk me up the produce on the hostel door surely the spirits of old are mixed up in the wondrous liquor, and gentle A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 95 visions of by-gone princes and princesses look bland- ly down on us from the cloudy perfume of the pipe. Do you know in what year the fairies left the Rhine long before Murray's Guide-Book was wrote long before squat steamboats, with snorting funnels, came paddling down the stream. Do you not know that once upon a time the appearance of eleven thousand British virgins was considered at Cologne as a won- der ? Now there come twenty thousand such annu- ally, accompanied by their ladies'-maids. But of them we will say no more let us back to those who went before them. Many, many hundred thousand years ago, and at the exact period when chivalry was in full bloom, there occurred a little history upon the banks of the Rhine, which has been already written in a book, and hence must be positively true. 'Tis a story of knights and ladies of love and battle and virtue rewarded, a story of princes and noble lords, moreover the best of company. Gentles, an ye will, ye shall hear it. Fair dames and damsels, may your loves be as happy as those of the heroine of this romaunt. On the cold and rainy evening of Thursday the 26th of October, in the year previously indicated, such travellers as might have chanced to be abroad in that bitter night, might have remarked a fellow- wayfarer journeying on the road from Oberwinter to Godesberg. He was a man not tall in stature, but 96 A LEGEND OF THE EHINE. of the most athletic proportions, and Time, which had browned and furrowed his cheek, and sprinkled his locks with gray, declared pretty clearly that He must have been acquainted with the warrior for some fifty good years. He was armed in mail, and rode a pow- erful and active battle-horse, which (though the way the pair had come that day was long and weary in- deed) yet supported the warrior, his armour and luggage, with seeming ease. As it was in a friend's country, the knight did not think fit to wear his heavy destrier, or helmet, which hung at his saddlebow over his portmanteau. Both were marked with the coronet of a Count and from the crown which sur- mounted the helmet, rose the crest of his knight- ly race, an arm proper lifting a naked sword. At his right hand and convenient to the warrior's grasp hung his mangonel or mace a terrific weapon which had shattered the brains of many a turbaned soldan while over his broad and ample chest there fell the triangular shield of the period, whereon were emblazoned his arms argent, a gules wavy, on a sal- tire reversed of the second the latter device was awarded for a daring exploit before Ascalon, by the Emperor Maximilian, and a reference to the German Peerage of that day, or a knowledge of high families which every gentleman then possessed, would have sufficed to show at once that the rider we have de- scribed was of the noble house of Hombourg. It was, A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 97 in fact, the gallant knight Sir Ludwig of Hombourg his rank as a count, and chamberlain of the Empe- ror of Austria, was marked by the cap of maintenance with the peacock's feather which he wore (when not armed for battle), and his princely blood was denoted by the oiled silk umbrella which he carried (a very meet protection against the pitiless storm), and which, as it is known, in the middle ages, none but princes were justified in using. A bag, fastened with a bra- zen padlock, and made of the costly produce of the Persian looms, (then extremely rare in Europe,) told that he had travelled in Eastern climes. This, too, was evident from the inscription writ on card or parchment and sewed on the bag. It first ran "Count Ludwig cle Hombourg, Jerusalem'' but the name of the Holy City had been dashed out with the pen, and that of " Godesberg" substituted so far indeed had the cavalier travelled ! and it is needless to state that the bag in question contained such re- maining articles of the toilet, as the high-born noble deemed unnecessary to place in his valise. " By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen ! " said the good knight, shivering, " 'tis colder here than at Da- mascus ! Marry, I am so hungry I could eat one of Saladin's camels. Shall I be at Godesberg in time for dinner?" And taking out his horologe, (which hung in a small side-pocket of his embroidered sur- coat.) the crusader consoled himself by finding that it 98 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. was but seven of the night, and that he would reach Godesberg ere the warder had sounded the second gong. His opinion was borne out by the result. His good steed, which could trot at a pinch fourteen leagues in the hour, brought him to this famous castle, just as the warder was giving the first welcome sigial which told that the princely family of Count Karl Margrave, of Godesberg, were about to prepare for their usual repast at eight o'clock. Crowds of pages and horsekeepers were in the Court, when the port- cullis being raised, and amidst the respectful salutes of the sentinels, the most ancient friend of the house of Godesberg entered into its Castle yard. The un- der-butler stepped forward to take his bridle-rein. " Welcome, Sir Count, from the Holy Land," ex- claimed the faithful old man. " Welcome, Sir Count, from the Holy Land," cried the rest of the servants in the hall and a stable was speedily found for the Count's horse, Streithengst, and it was not before the gallant soldier had seen that true animal well cared for, that he entered the castle itself, and was conducted to his chamber. Wax candles burning bright on the mantel, flowers in china vases, every variety of soap, and a flask of the precious essence, manufactured at the neighbouring city of Cologne, were displayed on his toilet-table a cheer- ing fire Or look away and never be missed, Ere yet ever a month was gone. 252 KEBECCA AND IIOWENA. Gillian's dead, Heaven rest her bier, How I loved her twenty years' syne ! Marian's married, but I sit here, Alive and merry at forty year, Dipping my nose in the Gascon wine. " Who taught thee that merry lay, Wamba, thou son of Witless ? " roared Athelstane, clattering his cup on the table and shouting the chorus. " It was a good and holy hermit, Sir, the pious clerk of Copmanhurst, that you wot of, who played many a prank with us in the days that we knew King Richard. Ah, noble Sir, that was a jovial time and a good priest." " They say the holy priest is sure of the next bishopric, my love," said Rowena. " His majesty hath taken him into much favour. My lord of Hun- tingdon looked very well at the last ball, though I never could see any beauty in the countess a freckled, blowsy thing, whom they used used to call Maid Marian though, for the matter of that, what between her flirtations with Major Littlejohn and Captain Scarlett, really " " Jealous again, haw ! haw ! " laughed Athel- stane. " I am above jealousy, and scorn it," Rowena answered, drawing herself up very majestically. " Well, well, Wamba's was a good song," Athel- stane said. REBECCA AND ROWENA. 253 " Nay, a wicked song," said Rowena, turning up her eyes as usual. " What ! rail at woman's love ? Prefer a filthy wine-cup to a true wife ? Woman's love is eternal, my Athelstane. He who questions it would be a blasphemer were he not a fool. The well-born and well-nurtured gentlewoman loves once and once only." " I pray you, Madam, pardon me, I I am not well," said the grey friar, rising abruptly from his settle, and tottering down the steps of the dais. Wamba sprung after him, his bells jingling as he rose, and casting his arms round the apparently fainting man, he led him away into the court. " There be dead men alive and live men dead," whispered he. " There be coffins to laugh at and marriages to cry over. Said I not sooth, holy friar?" And when they had got out into the soli- tary court, which was deserted by all the followers of the Thane, who were mingling in the drunken revelry in the hall, Wamba, seeing that none were by, knelt down, and kissing the friar's garment, said, " I knew thee, I knew thee, my lord and my liege ! " " Get up," said Wilfred of Ivanhoe, scarcely able to articulate " only fools are faithful." And he passed on and into the little chapel where his father lay buried. All night long the friar 254 REBECCA AND ROWENA. spent there, and Wamba the jester lay outside watch- ing as mute as the saint over the porch. When the morning came, Wamba was gone and the knave being in the habit of wandering hither and thither, as he chose, little notice was taken of his absence by a master and mistress who had not much sense of humour. As for Sir Wilfrid, a gentleman of his delicacy of feelings could not be expected to remain in a house where things so naturally disagree- able to him were occurring, and he quitted Rother- wood incontinently, after paying a dutiful visit to the tomb where his old father, Cedric, was buried, and hastened on to York, at which city he made himself known to the family attorney, a most respectable man, in whose hands his ready money was deposited, and took up a sum sufficient to fit himself out with credit, and a handsome retinue, as became a knight of consideration. But he changed his name, wore a wig and spectacles, and disguised himself entirely, so that it was impossible his friends or the public should know him, and thus metamorphosed, went about whithersoever his fancy led him. He was present at a public ball at York, which the Lord Mayor gave, danced Sir Roger de Coverley in the very same set with Rowena (who was disgusted that Maid Marian took precedence of her) he saw little Athelstane overeat himself at the supper, and REBECCA AND ROWENA. 255 pledged his big father in a cup of sack he met the Reverend Mr. Tuck at a missionary meeting, where he seconded a resolution proposed by that eminent divine in fine, he saw a score of his old acquaint- ances, none of whom recognised in him the warrior of Palestine and Templestowe. Having a large fortune and nothing to do, he went about this coun- try performing charities, slaying robbers, rescuing the distressed, and achieving noble feats of arms. Dragons and giants existed in his day no more, or be sure he would have had a fling at them : for the truth is, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was somewhat sick of the life which the hermits of Chalus had restored to him, and felt himself so friendless and solitary that he would not have been sorry to come to an end of it. Ah ! my dear friends and intelligent British public, are there not others who are melancholy under a mask of gaiety, and who, in the midst of crowds, are lonely ? Listen was a most melancholy man Grim- aid i had feelings and there are others I wot of but psha let us have the next chapter. 256 REBECCA AND ROWENA. CHAPTER V. 1VANHOE TO THE RESCUE. THE rascally manner in which the chicken-livered successor of Richard of the Lion-heart conducted him- self to all parties, to his relatives, his nobles, and his people, is a matter notorious, and set forth clearly in the Historic Page : hence, although nothing, except perhaps success, can, in my opinion, excuse disaffection to the Sovereign, or appearance in armed rebellion against him, the loyal reader will make allowance for two of the principal personages of this narrative, who will have to appear in the present Chapter, in the odious character of rebels to their lord and king. It must be remembered, in partial exculpation of the fault of Ivanhoe and Rowena (a fault for which they were bitterly punished, as you shall presently hear), that the Monarch exasperated his subjects in a variety of ways, that before he murdered his royal nephew, Prince Arthur, there was a great question whether he was the rightful King of England at all, that his behaviour as an uncle, and a family man, were likely to wound the feelings of any lady and mother, final- ly, that there were palliations for the conduct of Row- ena and Ivanhoe, which it now becomes our duty to relate. REBECCA AND KOWENA. 257 When his Majesty destroyed Prince Arthur, the Lady Rowena, who was one of the ladies of honour to the Queen, gave up her place at Court at once, and retired to her castle of Rotherwood. Expressions made use of by her, and derogatory to the character of the Sovereign, were carried to the Monarch's ears, by some of those parasites, doubtless, by whom it is the curse of kings to be attended and John swore, by St. Peter's teeth, that he would be revenged upon the haughty Saxon lady. a kind of oath, which, though he did not trouble himself about all other oaths, he was never known to break. It was not for some years after he had registered this vow. that he was enabled to keep it. Had Ivanhoe been present at Rouen, when the. King meditated his horrid designs against his nephew, there is little doubt that Sir Wilfrid would have prevented them, and rescued the boy : for Ivanhoe was, we need scarcely say, a hero of romance and it is the custom and duty of all gentlemen of that pro- fession to be present on all occasions of historic inter- est, to be engaged in all conspiracies, royal interviews, and remarkable occurrences. and hence Sir Wilfrid would certainly have rescued the young Prince, had he been any where in the neighbourhood of Rouen, where the foul tragedy occurred. But he was a couple of hundred leagues off at Chalus when the circumstance happened : tied down in bis bed as crazy 258 REBECCA AND ROWENA. as a Bedlamite, and raving ceaselessly in the Hebrew tongue, which he had caught up during a previous ill- ness in which he was tended by a maiden of that na- tion, about a certain Rebecca Ben Isaacs, of whom, being a married man, he never would have thought, had he been in his sound senses. During this deliri- um, what were Politics to him, or he to Politics? King John or King Arthur were entirely indifferent to a man who announced to his nurse-tenders, the good hermits of Chalus before mentioned, that he was the Marquis of Jericho, and about to marry Rebecca the Queen of Sheba. In a word, he only heard of what had occurred, when he reached England, and his senses were restored to him. Whether was he .happier, sound of brain, and entirely miserable (as any man would be who found so admirable a wife as Rowena married again), or perfectly crazy, the hus- band of the beautiful Rebecca ? I don't know which he liked best. Howbeit the conduct of King John inspired Sir Wilfrid with so thorough a detestation of that Sover- eign, that he never could be brought to take service under him : to get himself presented at St. James's, or in any way to acknowledge, but by stern acquiescence, the authority of the sanguinary successor of his be- loved King Richard. It was Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, I need scarcely say, who got the Barons of England to league together and extort from the King that fa- REBECCA AND ROWENA. 259 mous instrument and palladium of our liberties at present in the British Museum, Great Russell Street. Bloomsbury the MAGNA CIIARTA. His name does not naturally appear in th'e list of Barons, because he was only a knight, and a knight in disguise too : nor does Athelstane's signature figure on that document. Athelstane, in the first place, could not write nor did he care a penny-piece about politics, so long as he could drink his wine at home undisturbed, and have his hunting and shooting in quiet. It was not until the King wanted to interfere with the sport of .every gentleman in England (as we know by reference to the Historic Page that this odious monarch did), that Athelstane broke out into open rebellion, along with several Yorkshire squires and noblemen. It is recorded of the King, that he forbade every man to hunt his own deer and. in order to secure an obedience to his orders, this Herod of a monarch wanted to secure the eldest sons of all the nobility and gentry, as hostages for the good behav- iour of their parents. Athelstane was anxious about his game Rowena was anxious about her son. The former swore that he would hunt his deer in spite of all Norman tyrants the latter asked, should she give up her boy to the ruffian who had murdered his own nephew?* The * See Hume, Giraldus Cambrensis, The Monk of Croyland, and Pinnoek's Catechism. 200 REBECCA AND ROWENA. speeches of both were brought to the King at York and, furious, he ordered an instant attack upon Rother- wood, and that the lord and lady of that castle should be brought before him dead or alive. Ah, where was Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, the uncon- querable champion, to defend the castle against the royal party ? A few thrusts from his lance would have spitted the leading warriors of the King's host : a few cuts from his sword would have put John's forces to rout. But the lance and sword of Ivanhoe were idle on this occasion. " No, be hanged to me ! " said the knight, bitterly, :t this is a quarrel in which I can't interfere. Common politeness forbids. Let yonder ale-swilling Athelstane defend his, ha, ha. wife : and my lady Rowena guard her, ha, ha. ha, son." And he